My name is Dorota Chioma and I am an artist, poet/writer, while I live with a bipolar affective disorder. It means that I experience severe changes in my mood, energy levels and changes in sleep patterns. Living with this illness is extremely hard and feels like being on a see-saw. 

 

 

There are episodes of high: hypomania and mania, as well as severe depressive episodes with suicidal ideations. I personally cope better with my mania than depression. A poem I wrote may illustrate it a bit:

 

It comes in waves

Its crashing force

Leaves you wobbling for balance

Surfing the high wave gives you the buzz

It makes you want more, I swear it does

It is like being in love

That awe at simple beauties

That ability to feel music in every cell of your body

That vividness of colours and the range of them

That sharpness to the sound of harmony

And even the annoyance to any dissonance

That spin at the extra speed making you experience that sinking feeling

That gasp at the new idea…

However,

When the wave crashes

It shatters your body into pieces

It leaves the taste of sand in your mouth

The sound of it crunching in between your teeth

Your skin irritated by it roughness

Your throat dry as if you swallowed too much of the salty water

Or was it your tears?

Gaging and gasping for air

Hold on, not only air, realising you want more…

…the motion

…the speed

… the superpower

… this high…

…only mania gives you

And you are even ready to beg

To implore the universe to trade

The demon of depression for mania

You will swear that you will not complain about lack of sleep

You will give a scout’s honour that you take it easy

That you will apply breaks at least from time to time

That you will read the warning signs

At least those about any sharp turns

That you will do your reality checks

So you do not give in to paranoia

You will do whatever

Just take this darkness away…

 

I was diagnosed 3 years ago, and since then I evolved and gained an increased understanding of how my condition makes me function. But it does not change much in a social context.

 

It is not charisma anymore

It is not eccentric either

It is not a fiery personality

Nor is it a free artistic spirit in action…

 

You see, when you name it bipolar, it is perceived in very doomed colours of a mental illness.

 

It can be unpredictable, but please prove to me that your life is predictable… It requires long term or through life medication. but so does diabetes. It may lead to a few dramas or even scandals but…; Common is your life free of dramas?

 

Many people perceive bipolar as a limitation. And it of course is in some aspects of life but it also provided me with superpowers of creativity. Artistic liberation and amazing artistic journey.

 

Bipolar may look different in different people. But each of us has a story.

 

It took me decades to figure things out and may take me a few more to figure out the rest. I do what I do and it does not mean you must do the same. Perhaps explore what is out there for you to make existence more bearable with or without symptoms of ill mental health.

 

Find your tribe of like-minded people. Life is easier when you have a sense of belonging.