My flashbacks that came to me when I was awake were different to the ones from when I was asleep. One flashback when I was awake that really terrified me happened when I was lying in bed. A trigger surfaced out of nowhere, I felt a weight on top of me pushing down, I couldn’t move for what felt like forever. This resulted in a breakdown.

 

 

Hi, my name is Sarah, I am a fashion designer, mental health activist, and trauma survivor. I have endured multiple traumatic incidents throughout my life and majority of these have been forms of sexual violence which has resulted in me developing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. [Since this recording took place, medical professionals have confirmed I have C-PTSD].

 

Therapy has been one of the most beneficial parts towards my healing. In a safe and controlled space, I have been able to process my traumas to an extent and begin reclaiming back my personal power. I have learnt a lot about how my mind and body work, as well as acquiring various tools that help me on a daily basis.

 

Yoga has also been a very beneficial tool in helping me rebuild and connect with my body in a positive and loving way. It has helped me with completing sequences of impulses that were blocked during the times of my traumas. This has had a profound positive impact on me.

 

Most days, I feel my normal self and experience regular emotions we all feel on a daily basis. Yet even years after the traumatic events and even with therapy, flashbacks can still surface. Sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes without warning, a trigger surfaces, resulting in a flashback and this can throw me off course for a few days.

 

Flashbacks are debilitating. They make me freeze in my body, feeling helpless and so small.

 

I am a lot better at coping with my flashbacks now as I’ve discovered the tools that work for me and I now have them in place as and when I need them. However when I first started enduring my flashbacks, they were extremely hard to manage and cope with and it became extremely disruptive in my daily living.

 

My most frequent flashbacks surfaced when I was asleep, through nightmares. They were either me enduring my trauma again or someone else enduring my trauma and me watching. I suffered daily from these for approx 2-3 months, every night. They were so graphic and lifelike I would wake up in cold sweats, sometimes I wouldn’t be able to move from my bed for an hour because I was so shocked my mind could conjure up such graphic imagery.

 

Enduring these nightmares every night was horrendous so I soon began to not sleep ending up extremely sleep deprived and lacking concentrate. During this time I also developed various other symptoms including a constant state of hyperarousal and hypervigilance.

 

Symptoms and triggers do still surface and so there are days that are challenging and mentally draining for me. As the years go on I am discovering there are more layers to my trauma and I am uncovering experiences I’ve endured as a young person.

 

Trauma has left imprints over my body. Mapped out through scars, both mentally and physically.

 

I have surrendered to my healing by accepting it is a non-linear journey. I will begin to process and move through certain parts when I am ready, and I know that is okay. I am learning to be kinder and more gentle with myself by creating space to sit with my thoughts and feelings.

 

I also remind myself I deserve to take up space and to implement self-care and self-love. And that when I have dark or challenging days, I know within myself I have the strength to move through it. I know I will rise again.

 

I will always rise.